Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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