its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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