I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
