That's when you crack a 10am beer
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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