just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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