Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
