how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
