my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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