Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
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