Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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