An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He passed out mid-signature
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize