Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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