The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
