haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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