Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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