I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
