He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
