he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
