Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Holy shit dude........stairs
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize