I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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