Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Don't EVER smell your tampon
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
