Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
