I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
