I'm eating all of the evidence.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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