I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
