I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
