the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
