Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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