theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
