I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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