I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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