On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
