carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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