i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
