Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
