Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
