Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
