No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
only if we run a train.
done.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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