btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
