Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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