people are starting to question the shark bite story
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
