just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
