WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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