The maid of honor just puked.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
