it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
