Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
