My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize