Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
