I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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