She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
