i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
