I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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