2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Please don't give away my fajitas
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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