If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I think my moral compass just broke
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
