I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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