Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
