I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
