Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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