I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
